Everyone Search 4 Their Inner Child
Residual trauma, "Together, Together," and my favorite read of the summer (so far).
My loves,
I am day drunk by a pool with my ass in the Palm Springs sun and disco blasting over the sounds of birds and trickling water. I wish you were here, but for now, I want to say a quick hello and share something I read today from The Body Keeps the Score, a book on the long-term effects of trauma. At the start of this passage, the author talks about the development of neuroscience and how it has started to support trauma cases.
“Research from these new disciplines has revealed that trauma produces actual, physiological changes, including a recalibration of the brain’s alarm system, an increase in stress hormone activity, and alterations in the system that filters relevant information from irrelevant. We now know that trauma compromises the brain area that communicates the physical, embodied feeling of being alive. These changes explain why traumatized individuals become hypervigilant to threat at the expense of spontaneously engaging with their day-to-day lives. They also help us understand why traumatized people so often keep repeating the same problems and have such trouble learning from experience.”
Quite the vacation read, lmao why am I like this.
The persistence of trauma compromises the experience of being alive. What? I mean, yes that sounds exactly right. But also, this is so harrowing to read I immediately defaulted to spirally self-analysis. Ticking through my brain like a rolodex, I thought about every time my anxiety robbed me of the joy of a present moment.
It made me think about when Cher directed everyone to “search 4 their inner child,” just a few days after my [redacted] birthday. Therapized people know a lot about inner child work and its role in healing. It can seem a little eye-roll, but the overall goal is to wake the conscious mind through innocence, joy, and a period of your life before the world hardened you.
Though Dr. Van Der Kolk describes talk therapy and medication as avenues to helping people move on with their lives, he also points to the agency of our own minds as a path to contradicting the helplessness we feel inside.
“Imagination is absolutely critical to the quality of our lives. Our imagination enables us to leave our routine everyday existence by fantasizing about travel, food, sex, falling in love, or having the last word—all the things that make life interesting. Imagination gives us the opportunity to envision new possibilities—it is an essential launchpad for making our hopes come true. It fires our creativity, relieves our boredom, alleviates our pain, enhances our pleasure, and enriches our most intimate relationships.”
I’ve written about imagination before and its overall capacity to contribute to movements, but I’d never seen it framed as a tool for personal growth. My everyday anxieties, worries, residual trauma, etc., become a problem when I am unable to envision myself out of it, when I see no path forward. Part of that self-work, I think, starts with acknowledging possibility models and believing in your own capacity to overcome the things that hurt, to be, and feel, alive.
Easier said than done, but on days like today where you might have uggo memories lingering, take a strolling walk through your own psyche and tap into your alive-ness. That’s where I’m headed shortly.
Xx Fran
some things that brought me joy this week
1. I’m halfway through Hanif’s “Little Devil in America” and it has quickly become one of my favorite reads in a while. A poet by trade, Hanif’s reported essays illustrate sad yet gorgeous homages, scenes, vignettes, and love letters to Black performers in pop culture — from Soul Train to Michael Jackson’s “Moonwalk.” Strongly recommend this to pop culture nerds and lovers of good prose alike!
2. The first ep of Ziwe was a lot of things: a feat of styling, an experiment that never apologizes, a voice for the generation and cultural moment, the forging of a strong, unforgettable brand, etc. Lots to say, but I’m curious to know what you thought! Loved Peyton’s profile on the mononym and it made me excited to watch Ziwe ascend.
3. I had somehow never seen this Jessie Ware dance video that came out last summer. This was one of my favorite albums of the year and, my god! The unifying visual for this video is so queer, so on point.
4. Arabelle’s newsletter this past week describes something fucked up that happened in the beauty world involving a CEO attending an anti-queer church. Arabelle divulges a personal story of surviving conversion therapy that is so empowering, so understated, and I feel lucky to be reading their work at any time!!
5. You have one more day to stream the genius that is Tunde Olaniran and his live session at UMS. Tunde is an artist who is so intentional about the styling, set, and direction of all his music’s visuals, so this short video is no exception. Get lost in the world that is Tunde!
6. Watched Together Together, and thought it was a lovely way to spend an evening in. Though the story is a fun conceit for a rom-com — a 40-something loser (Ed Helms) hires a 20-something stranger to be his surrogate — I think it’s fair to say the reason we are all watching is to bear witness to Patti Harrison’s first starring role. She is incredible, of course. The first half of the romance is not as compelling as the second (in large part because Ed Helms’ character is a wild, unwitting misogynist), and I also wish Patti’s character had more of a motivation herself. But damn, does Patti getcha in the movie’s final moments. The ending broke me all the way open, and I cannot wait for her to do more. If you are lucky enough to know Patti, you know how fucking smart she is. This profile was a glimpse into her mind and the nuances of being a trans person in Hollywood vying for cis roles.
7. Saeed in conversation with Chase Strangio for GQ! I promise I talk about these waves of anti-trans legislation practically every letter because it is that urgent. Learn more about how you can find ways to support trans kids in 33 states as they fight for their right to play sports and get healthcare.
8. This weekend I had a tie-dye party with my friends! We ordered a bunch of socks, papi tees, bucket hats, bandanas, and sweatsuits and dyed them in the backyard on a tarp and it brought me much joy. Go buy a basic tie-dye kit at your local craft store and *Cher voice* LOOK 4 UR INNER CHILD.
9. Researched quite a bit to land on these cheaper alternatives to remote-controlled Phillips hues bulbs, and installing them was shockingly easy. Leaning hard into my divorcee aesthetic rn, but let me tell you, when I fall into bed and forget that I left the lights on in the other room, turning these babies off with my phone really hits my Taurus placements like woah.
10. Loved Jenna’s profile on Deanna Lawson and the added context behind her artistic practice.
11. Honey Mahogany is running for chair of SF Dems and it is just so inspiring to watch the beginning of a political career for any queer or trans democrat. Honey is one of the founders of the landmark Transgender District — the world’s first acknowledged historically trans neighborhood.
this week’s action
There’s a fundraiser going on to support the queer/trans-led resistance in Bogota, thanks to hermana Oscar Diaz. I was not familiar with the transphobic and homophobic violence enacted by the Colombian government, and I’m grateful to people like Oscar who are educating and organizing the masses digitally.