Fear and Loathing in Eternal Damnation
On Lil Nas, a viral egg sandwich, and my new favorite queer TV
Children of God,
How is your Easter going? Let me tell you, mine started with locking myself out of my apartment before 7am getting a coffee while still wearing my night bonnet and these ridiculous croc platforms which have somehow become a staple shoe...
Then, after management wouldn’t pick up my calls, I broke into my own apartment because I’m too cheap to pay a locksmith and luckily remembered a jimmying trick I learned when I was a preteen obsessed with reading books about survival skills. Do not send me recommendations on home security, peace be with you (and also with you).
Easter is, to be as unbiased as possible, the worst holiday. The lechon was dry, we were forced to attend the earlier (boring-er) mass, and my cousins always found the eggs with money in them before I did. Not to mention, all gatherings were entrenched in this violent ass story of Jesus’ crucifixion (alternatively, Jesus begging his daddy to tie him to a pole so he can be whipped and humiliated publicly).
I remember being acutely aware of the eroticism of this story watching The Passion of the Christ, which I saw the day of release because my church rented out our local theater and bought tickets for the entire congregation (!?!). This movie is rated R, and I was thirteen!!! Meanwhile, I wasn’t allowed to read Harry Potter.
If you don’t already know, I’m a recovering cult-church kid. It feels like the least interesting, most generic kind of queer oppression story, but I was at my Baptist cathedral 2-3 times a week, did mission trips to Czech Republic, Japan, Guatemala, owned every Christian rock album, wore t-shirts with Bible verses on them, was a Jesus camp counselor — I even wanted to be a youth pastor when I grew up and had started taking guitar lessons. Though I have many-a-trauma from that time, I will save those stories for my book. But the gist is, I hate Easter. In large part because I associate this day with a culture of shame and punishment-based faith.
Wondering if I had anything to add to the Lil Nas conversation, my intial answer was: No ❤️. I adored the video, the mensch-level trolling, the staunch faggotry and flying butt plugs, but all the good takes were taken while I was on vacation.
Though, as the week went by, Mr. Montero continued to tweet in ways that cut me deep.
This one reads like spell. I read this over and over, and couldn’t stop thinking about it. I have long described my past life as an 18-year streak of hating myself. As a literal child, I would self-flagellate truly every waking hour. Generic as the story is, I still don’t think we understand what that does to the development of the human psyche (though for further reading, I recommend this girl). My first depression in fourth grade came at the consequence of my religion. Through puberty, I was in despair about my immortality, trying desperately to pray away my queerness while knowing full well I would never be able to.
The experience of losing my faith was an instantaneous and near-cinematic a-ha! moment. At eighteen, the first time I fell in love was the first time I felt love, if I’m being honest. My church friends, my family — all their love had been conditional leading up to that point, and hate to say it but that ain’t love, my babes.
Clear as day, I remember laying in the grass of a suburban park after hours, my boyfriend resting his head on my chest as he listened to me breathe while we gazed at the stars. Right there, like a movie, I thought to myself, “So the whole God thing has been keeping me from this the whole time?” Naw, it ain’t for me.
As pointed out by Jes Tom, I am equal parts jealous and grateful kids these days get Lil Nas to look up to. The times are so ahead, Satanic Panic feels vintage at this point. Embarrassing, even! Slowly but surely we are realizing the insidious ways this country was founded on a capitalist-empowered bastardization of Christian values. (Though not to give the modern day too much credit as anti-trans legislation continues to sweep the nation.)
If I had Lil Nas growing up, I don’t know how I would be different today, but I would definitely be different. As alluded to by Jes, Glee then vs. Lil Nas now was the difference between having primped-and-polished queerness of the white-cis-het imagination and having unabashed, in-your-face, flamboyant, sex-positive, gender nonconforming faggotry of color. And gworl, that is a big difference.
This morning, something beautiful happened. I forgot it was Easter entirely. Fully had no idea today was a holiday until I checked Twitter while sitting outside my locked apartment. I think this is a fact Baby Fran would be in awe of.
image description : Lil Nas tweet of a notes app that reads: “dear 14 year old montero, i wrote a song with our name in it. it’s about a guy i met last summer. i know we promised to never come out publicly, i know we promised to never be ‘that’ type of gay person, i know we promised to die with the secret, but this will open doors for many other queer people to simply exist. you see this is very scary for me, people will be angry, they will say i’m pushing an agenda, but the truth is, i am. the agenda to make people stay the fuck out of other people’s lives and stop dictating who they should be. sending you love from the future.”
If you were writing a letter to your past self, what would you write? How would you mentor yourself and heal? This is something my therapist has implored me to do, and something you could do too. I hope you are all taking care of your Baby Selves, living a life you would aspire to and paying it forward to the next generation of queer and trans babies.
Anyway, I completely broke my rule about not oversharing personal stories on this here Substack. Sorry! Will return to an emotional distance next week. In the meantime, I’ve got a *Roxxxy Andrews voice* THICK and juicy list today since I was on vacay last week.
Xx Fran
P.S. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AT THE END OF THE MONTH! I want to celebrate with an extra special post. Will you reply to this email with suggestions of what you’re dying to see me write about/recommend? I’ll be running a special edition to try and reach my subscriber goal. Btw, if you are fortunate enough to afford a weekly subscription, it would mean a lot to me if you became a paid patron of this work.
some things that brought me joy this week (and last)
1. Bowen Yang. That’s it, that’s the joy. Story time: way back when I was a preteen — long before I developed an acute awareness/aversion to the odorless gas of toxic masculinity — a church friend would forcibly sit me in front of a computer to watch SNL clips and terrible standup routines on YouTube by cave trolls like Dane Cook or Louis C.K. I remember hating the misogynist, homophobic nature of their jokes and deciding, quite plainly, that I didn’t like standup comedy — that comedy at large was simply not for me. As I grew up, I discovered I didn’t hate comedy; I hated the comedy landscape (cis, straight, white men). As I’ve grown to discover queer and gender-diverse comedians of color, I have been enamored over and over by the presence of Bowen on SNL — a complete subversion of these traditionalist spaces. Seeing queer comedy that comes straight from the heart like last week’s… wow, what a moment. I can’t believe preteens get to watch this AND Lil Nas, and I am so grateful for that. :’)
2. As some know, I am extremely passionate about breakfast. So seeing this origami breakfast sandwich on my TikTok feed the other day, I knew I had to try it. It is quite truly the first time I’ve actually performed a “life hack” found online, and it did not disappoint. A few amendments: I did sausage patties instead of lunch meat and I seasoned the ingredients well, along with thick slices of cheddar cheese. I was worried about bread sogginess and did toast one side of the bread on the pan before the first step. The sandwich was well distributed — very simple, but so easy to make for a morning I’m too busy to think of what to eat.
3. Three very beautiful initiatives came out on Trans Day of Visibility — a “holiday” that many within the trans community are trying to improve on considering its performativity and overall corniness lacking in action/accountability. First up, Raquel Willis worked with GLAAD to launch an open letter decrying TERF-y legislation signed by 450+ prominent feminists. Also, the incredible Tre’vell Anderson worked with NABJ to create a scholarship in the name of the late Monica Roberts — a legendary journalist who created the foundation for how we report on anti-trans homicides today. Finally, saint-like healthcare activist Cecilia Gentili now has a free clinic for sex workers in her name, thanks to the dream team at Callen Lorde. As someone who is dear friends with all three of these superheroes, I felt super emotional the whole day about what we can accomplish with our collective energies.
4. I also loled my way through Harron’s essay on TDOV, if you care to read.
5. My fave Melissa Febos is celebrating a book birthday and it’s such a treat to read her work again, even when the subject matter is deep and traumatic. I love how Febos writes about sex and consent — catch some catharsis with an excerpt here (cw: sexual violence).
6. The darling Richie Shazam released a new show on Fuze and the first episode is free on YouTube. As hosts, Richie and Lucas Silveira enact a much queerer version of *that one* reality makeover show. From city to city, they help a subject understand and manifest their expression and identity as quasi-gender doulas. As someone whose gender is an ongoing project, especially in quarantine, I am so happy this show exists!
7. In the afterglow of my desert vacation, I vegged out at home to rewatch the first season of Arrested Development (which I have already watched approx. seven hundred times) and damn, do I miss Jessica Walter. Though the entire cast of this show was perfect and untouchable, the way Lucille Bluth stole every scene with a simple line reading had me guffawing over my breakfast burrito like a kid watching morning cartoons.
8. I also find this little gem from resident annoying NYT journo Maggie Haberman hilarious, at the cellular level.
9. Michelle Tea’s Your Magic podcast has two incredible episodes out — one with Alex Chee and another with Phoebe Bridgers. To anyone who feels like mysticism/witchcraft is not for them, I will say you don’t have to be a prospective subscriber in order to love it. I see mysticism not as a higher power but as supplementary to my therapy and self-work. Looking at it through that lens could help you too! And this podcast is a great entry point. The Phoebe episode goes deep into her creative practice and how she understands it as a kind of magic. With Alex’s, we hear more about his mystical life, which includes a very good story about being a teen witch who, on a few occasions, talked to spirits — among them Tiamat the dragon princess of the sea?!
10. I very well almost skipped Promising Young Woman because I heard predominantly negative sentiment around the Oscar-buzzy film starring Carrie Mulligan (and every celebrity ever). The story follows a morality play about a woman who is dead set on avenging a friend she lost to suicide after the friend was brutally gang-raped in med school. Though there are a few scenes of violence, I felt a lot of care, and even play, taken with this story that had me on the edge of my seat the entire time. Not to mention, the word “rape” was fascinatingly never uttered the entire film. Though not a perfect movie, it is well worth awards and a brave exploration of difficult subject matter that is funny, thrilling, and devastating all at the same time. Loved the Still Processing ep about it as well, which is what convinced me to watch the film.
11. Solidifying my brand as an arbiter of culture for queer homemakers and sexually liberated divorcées, I would like to recommend a very good stain remover. This is coming from someone who has tried the Oxycleans, the Tide to-gos, etc. But never has anything zapped the “what the f*ck is that” from my white linens better than Zout.
12. Even more on brand, I’ve declared the choco-banana the snack of the summer. As a product of a Chicano-Boricua household, dipped bananas were a fave from the paleta lady outside Sunday church service. This updated version has become a staple in my freezer.
13. I loved Hunter Harris’ ode to Jane Fonda, one of my role models and favorite people on the planet. A few letters ago, I wrote about loneliness and how single women in their older age created a model for the kind of adult I wanted to be. I consider Jane in that pantheon of Titans Who Don’t Need Men (among Eartha Kitt, Cher, Fran Lebowitz, Tracee Ellis Ross, etc). Settle down? No, no, we are settling up in this house.
14. Tried this “magic chicken” recipe last night as I was craving a healthier chicken tender scenario and found all the ingredients I needed in my cabinet. A few amendments: Instead of mayonnaise, I used Greek yogurt because that’s what I had. I also did chicken tenders because I’m not a huge fan of thighs. In the panko-toasting stage, I did throw in some additional seasoning: unsweetened coconut, sesame seeds, and red pepper flakes. Would also be good with some lime zest, if you have. Ate it on top of a caesar salad and mother! It cannot be improved.
15. New sex toy alert! Maude sent me their new personal massager and its not only chic but super easy to use for passive masturbation. Friendly for butts and vaginas alike! Their aloe lube is the only lube I use, if you feel like adding to your cart. (Reminder that I do not do sponsored content unless disclosed! This is not sponsored!)
16. Over vacay I visited “Never Forget,” an installation by indigenous artist Nicholas Galanin that calls for collective action on returning land to indigenous leadership. I was shocked-but-not-shocked to learn in the description of this piece that the original “HOLLYWOOD” sign was created to advertise a whites-only housing development as this area of California boomed and gentrified into the entertainment playground it is today. Galanin’s words stuck with me:
“Land acknowledgements have become popular in the twenty-first century, with cultural and government entities paying lip service to Indigenous existence, without meaningful action of land return to Indigenous nations …
Settler attempts at land management without adequate knowledge or understanding have resulted in many ecosystems pushed to the brink of collapse. Forests are burning, air quality diminishing, the earth and water are heavy with industrial waste threatening the lives of everything dependent upon them. Governance of land titles, water rights, and other ‘resources’ led and protected by Indigenous nations on their traditional territories benefits all people; ensuring sustainability and regeneration through specific knowledge gained since time immemorial. As Indigenous people we are responsible to the land we come from, to care for and protect it — for our grandchildren’s grandchildren, and for all life who would call this land home.”
this week’s action
Tacked onto last letter’s action, iHollaback opened more bystander intervention classes in April (all their previous classes filled immediately).
But this week’s main action, I want to draw your attention to Arkansas. In a devastating development that barely cracked the news cycle, legislators have banned trans youth from getting life-saving healthcare in their state. The ACLU is asking everyone to send calls and emails calling on Governor Hutchinson to veto HB1570. It takes literally seven seconds, with a template here. For more reading, I recommend Raquel’s thread on the topic.