19 Things to Pamper Yourself With Right Now
Bathrobes, bougie candles, and a long-distance vibrator
My horny loved ones,
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I always return to an under-appreciated scene from the 1987 romantic comedy Moonstruck (and before you roll your eyes, I must defend myself and say I demonstrated a LOT of restraint waiting nine weeks worth of newsletters before finally talking about my favorite film).
No spoilers, but here’s the gist: Loretta Castorini (Cher) is a grouchy widowed bookkeeper who has lost her thirst for life. Grief and 37 years of disappointment have left her disillusioned with love.
What follows is an unexpected romance, but we’re not going to talk about that today. We’re going to talk about the thing every “good” film requires: a makeover montage.
In preparation for a date to the opera, Loretta scowls up and down a pre-gentrification Brooklyn Heights in a begrudging effort to doll herself up. She gets a manicure, she plucks her brows, she perms and dyes a nest of unkempt grey hair. She goes and buys makeup (the good stuff), a pair of heels, an evening gown.
In Cher’s crabby performance of this scene, what starts as a chore becomes a softening, as she peers into the windows of luxury consignment shops with a mix of suspicion, curiosity, and coyness. On the way back to her house, she is caught off guard by a cat-call — she hasn’t felt desirable in a long time, perhaps in the entire decade since her husband was hit by a bus.
Laden with shopping bags, Loretta gets back to her (parent’s) house and realizes she’s home alone. She pours herself a glass of wine. She cranks on some sultry, sax-y jazz. She lights the fireplace and sits on the floor in front of it, unpacking all the things she bought for herself with care and affection (Cher is a taurus). She opens her Clinique box and tries on a dark red shade of lipstick, staring into the mirror for a long time almost as if she is seducing herself.
It is, for all intents and purposes, a love scene. But there is no other partner in sight. In the construction of films, we often find makeover montages in the first third when the “fun & games” tend to happen. But in Moonstruck it occurs at the film’s midpoint, when the protagonist is meant to heighten the stakes and make a decision she cannot go back from. Often in romances, the midpoint is when one character finally says to the other, “I love you. Should we spend the rest of our lives together?” Before this scene, Loretta had settled for a marriage proposal from a man named Johnny who is the textbook definition of a schmuck. I feel it is at this exact moment she realizes she is worthy of more, man or not. In this scene, she falls in love not with Nicholas Cage, but with herself.
I think about this scene all the time, but especially around Valentine’s Day which I historically spend alone. It has sparked a tradition wherein I take myself out for a day of Cher-like pampering: mani-pedi, massage, facial, shopping, champagne, a nice meal, a good movie. It is such a good tradition that I actually *look forward* to February 14 instead of dreading it.
The pandemmy has put that full tradition on hold, but there’s still a version of it you can do at home. I invite you to embark on a personal Valentine’s — fuck a Day, let’s make it a Month! Channel a Cher-like sexiness. Seduce yourself. Here are some accoutrements to get you through it. <3
xx Fran
some pampering things that brought me joy this week
1. First thing’s first, we need to set l’ambiance. I’m a taurus, and therefore clinically addicted to candles. I have many favorites, and rest assured I will write about them whether you care or not, but today the moment calls for Boy Smells’ Fleurshadow. My fave candles tend to balance high florals with low muskiness, and this candle does just that. And where rose smell can get Grandma-y real fast, this scent arrangement keeps things sexy. If you don’t vibe with the scent description, their Cinderose is a good alternate, which is deeper and less perfumey.
2. I’m also a big fan of this rosey room spray and proceeds go straight to survivors of domestic violence and abuse through my friend Sonya’s organization Freefrom.
3. Time for some vibeology — and I’ve got horny playlists in abundance. For something a little more smokey-affair-in-a-jazz-club, try this girl. For classic fuckin’ bops try her, and for contemporary fuckin’ bops this one is a labor of love. (Yes, it intentionally has 69 songs.)
4. I have personally tested many (many!) bathrobes of varying materials, price points, and designs. Though I do believe there are different robes for different vibes (I own three and plan to own more) this one is by far my favorite. What makes it worth the investment? Not too thick, but a soft towel lining. Waffle texture for a spa-like feel. It’s very long for optimal coziness. Big pockets, dramatic sleeves, and a chic kimono-like silhouette. The hood is key, and I believe all bathrobes should have hoods. Fight me!
5. Single people should gift themselves nice jewelry. This is my clear and simple mandate. It’s not fair that couples and throuples around the world are out here getting romantic gifts left and right while we sit on the sidelines with our necks and fingers bare. Buy yourself jewelry! I’m partial to Laura Lombardi.
6. My darling friends Garth Greenwell and RO Kwon edited a collection of erotic writing and let me tell you. My pearls? They are clutched. I’ve heard Garth speak about his philosophy on erotica before, and I love how he advocates for “smut” as deserving of a place in high, literary art. The writers in this collection are proof of that.
7. If that’s not your speed, there is no better book about unlocking the wealth of self-pleasure than this seminal text edited by adrienne maree brown. I don’t consider this a recommendation as much as I consider it required reading.
8. I was never a leather girl until I met Naassene. The construction of these pieces is so intentional, and their inclusive casting makes it one of the few kinkwear brands that don’t send me into a dysmorphic spiral. They’re having a sale this weekend! I love my Leigh leg harness, but I’m thinking about a choker too.
9. Have you ever commissioned a portrait of yourself? This is something I very insufferably explored last year while trying to dismantle my own body image issues. I found it to be a profound exercise in understanding desirability; it is a very healing thing to see yourself the way *someone else* sees you. Plus, you get to support a fave artist in the process! There are many queer artists out there taking affordable commissions (check my story highlight), but also Mazahir is having a sale right now.
10. If that’s not in the budget for you, I do recommend at the very least blocking an hour or two in your calendar to take some sexy pics in natural lighting. If you’ve never done this before, I promise it’s not as horrifying as it seems, and I also believe it to be an important skill. Most people, particularly cis men, are bad at taking nudes. This is a consequence of not practicing. Pull some reference poses from your fave thirst traps (I actually did this), get your window light, big mirror, and put on some lingerie. I promise you’ll be surprised by what you like.
11. Tata Harper is definitely among the nicest products in my bathroom cabinet. Their clarifying mask is a favorite of mine, but I’ve also come to love their body oil and diamond moisturizers. Their entire suite is at a luxury-level price point, which is not really my tea when it comes to skincare. But as a taurus I do believe in having one nice thing for yourself here and there. (I’ll be dropping cheaper skincare recs down the road, don’t worry.)
12. I could write a whole other letter just on bath products (should I?) but the one I’m gonna rec today is a CBD soak. The gardenia really is that girl.
13. You can’t massage yourself, they say. It’s not the same! they say. Well, Theragun busted that myth. This lil boi has been a game-changer for body pain, athletic injury, or self-love in quar. There are cheaper off-brand models as well if you want to do some research, but I promise you won’t be disappointed by the endorphins.
14. Don’t overthink it. Tiger Balm is life. Every time I put this heating ointment on my aching back at night I feel like I’m at a spa. Is that sad? (Be careful, it stains!)
15. Though I haven’t tried it myself yet, I’ve heard good things about Manime, the at-home gel manicure. These guest designs by Mei are particularly cute.
16. Have you ever cooked yourself a steak? Up until last month, I had never. There is something about it that feels luxe and indulgent, but also self-assured, like you’re the master of the house. I followed this recipe (very closely!) to highly pleasing results. A vinegary salad and crispy potatoes brought the plate home.
17. I’m not drinking much champagne these days, but I have been loving THC sodas which have a really nice effect just fifteen minutes after drinking — most recently, I tried Calexo and loved it.
18. This remote-control vibrator is a next-level sex toy that I got as a gift after seeing it all over porn Twitter. It is a go-to for cam boys/girls/theys because it can be controlled from a distance. It’s very fun for partner play, but I personally loved playing with it on my own too. I will say, I have found this toy *significantly* cheaper at sex shops than its online price, so if you have a neighborhood store to call, do it. Though the toy is marketed as a vaginal toy, I can vouch for it in an anal capacity.
19. The only thing we, as a community, need to watch is the definitive Cinderella on Disney+. It goes without saying that the film is a watershed moment in cultural history, but this long read about it was filled with fun little facts and I loved reading it. (Did you know Michelle Pfieffer and Julie Andrews were in the running to play the queen before Whoopi swooped in?)
this week’s action
There is a horrifying resurgence of anti-Asian violence happening in the Bay Area and around the country. This has been fueled by white supremacy and a continued spread of misinformation about the coronavirus. My action for you is to talk about it. Talk about it with your family, your loved ones, and on your social media because silence has caused this epidemic to fall under the radar. If you want to throw your money somewhere too, I recommend this fundraiser.
Wait, wait, wait. THC soda? (Must start planning next trip to California.)