What Does "Sexual Confidence" Mean to You?
Plus: Magic podcasts, snoozing emails, and your fave new queer TV.
Babes,
I want to ask, what makes you sexually confident? How do you even begin to define the contributing factors to your bravery in an intimate environment?
I bring this up because I’ve received texts and DMs from folks who’ve recently had a spark in their mojo — maybe they finally decided to break a dry spell, buy a scary toy/lingerie item, try poly, or take a nude. This is happy news for me to hear in trying sexual times, but also wild that I of all people receive it because I consider myself the *most* insecure person.
With queer and marginalized people especially, dysmorphia, dysphoria, depression, trauma, anxiety — that all enflames when we get to the bedroom. These ghosts find you like an odorless gas, and you blame yourself for your sexual shortcomings instead of long-standing structures that gaslight you into thinking you’re not good enough.
The thing about sex is that we’ve been sold this lie of “chemistry.” And to the nerds out there, yes I’m aware sex involves literal, scientific chemistry, pheromones, oxytocin, vasopressin, etc. But we are talking about the myth of chemistry: that simply because you have a connection with someone, the sex should be great/easy. All our lives, particularly if we’re socialized as heterosexual or our genders assigned at birth, we are told sex should “come naturally” and if it’s meant to be, then it will be good sex. This of course could not be further from the truth, especially if you’re working with something beyond just a penis and vagina.
On our podcast this month, we discussed another adversary to sexual confidence: hookups with people who suffer from “hot person syndrome.” This phenomenon comes from a structurally hot person (shredded body, eurocentric beauty standards, often white, often a man, etc.) that communicates poorly because they were born into sexual confidence and therefore take whatever they want in a relationship or bedroom. Have you been with this kind of person? I know I have. 🙄
And on the opposite side of “hotness” (whatever that means), people have to construct their own confidence, construct their own desirability, because we’ve been cultured to believe we have none. (Plus, we’ve been cultured to believe that desirability = human worth, which is also no bueno, but that’s another letter…)
Sexual confidence often has nothing to do with the other partner(s). Of course, the best partners will boost your sexual confidence, play with you, push you to explore, stamp out insecurities, and prop up your kinks. But to me, sexual confidence starts with an inner conversation.
Ask yourself why you want the sex in the first place. An exercise from Getting It, a great book about casual hookups, expands on this self-assessment: Do you want an ego boost? Or just an orgasm? Something more? Are you looking to escape? Dissociate? Affirm your gender? Blow off some steam? Do you love the hunt? Do you have a kink? Do you just want the nudes? Are you lonely? A few things to posit.
The answer to some of these questions is data to take stock of and often an expectation to manage. The answers may delight you, but they could also point to why you’re dissatisfied with past sexual encounters, and maybe why the person you are about to have sex with might be yet another let down.
So! With all that rambling done, what do you want out of sex? In that, where does your confidence lie? I’m excited to hear your answers.
Xx Fran
P.S. Funny enough, there are no sexy recommendations in this week’s letter, so I think we’ll do a sex-focused letter soon. Do y’all need recommendations on something specific? Reply to this email or tweet me. <3
some things that brought me joy this week
1. First up, my darling baby Olly is the star of a new show out on HBOmax this past weekend called It’s a Sin. Because it’s out in the UK already, the reviews are in, and let me tell you it is so, so worth the hype. Loosely based on true events, the story follows a group of queer friends in the UK navigating the emergence of the AIDS crisis in the 80s. Though I am biased, I think Olly is a triumph. How wild to watch your friend radiate joy and devastate you all in the same go. Lydia West’s performance, the true star, is also one for the queer canon and I can’t wait to see what she does next. And of course, my favorite character, Roscoe: Omari Douglas deserves awards and should be cast in all the things, tbh. To me, It’s a Sin’s greatest triumph is the ability to depict an organizing family — one that’s broken and imperfect, but a family nonetheless. Even my most critical and unfazed friends have loved this show and cried (big time) throughout the series, as I did too. You’ve been warned!
2. There is this super fun filter on Instagram that matches you to a queer-coded character in popular culture. I got James from Pokemon, which I’ll accept, but wish I got Ms. Frizzle.
3. I wish I wasn’t creating an entire line item for a HAIM remix, but damn this song has put me through an emotional wringer. It singularly catapulted me back to the rest of the album, which I have had on repeat since Friday. Hunter Harris said it all: Taylor Swift screaming “I get sad!!!!”
4. Do y’all remember Soundcloud? I revisited my old account a while ago and it reminded me of all the music that isn’t on Spotify and how I miss discovering things without an algorithm. This led me to Solange’s Dirty Projectors cover, which I recommend.
5. I’m sorry to all those who have already woken up to this life hack, but as an inbox-zero anxiety girl, I have really grown to love “snoozing” gmails. I am one of those psychopaths that uses all the Google Suite capabilities — I schedule emails, drop inbox items into Tasks with deadlines, plops those Tasks into my calendar, and I use Templates/Labels/Keep out the wazoo. But I’m new to “snoozing” which is a little button that simply sends the emails you “just can’t deal with right now” into the next morning, or better yet, next week. On evenings I’m working, or Fridays where I’m pooped, the lurking 3-5 emails left in my inbox make me anxious and keep me from clocking out. I snooze them, and they become Future Fran’s problem. (Also, should I do a letter on productivity?)
6. Feels trite to recommend something everyone’s already watched, but I Care a Lot really delivered. I won’t spoil nothin, but to me the show accomplishes one of my greatest wishes for representation, which is gay sociopaths. Queer characters are so often relegated to the role of “sidekick,” “victim,” or “inspiring story” with nothing in between. But we gays deserve to be truly disgusting villains and anti-heroes too. Rosamund served!
7. The brilliant adrienne maree brown has released a new podcast with Sage Crump and Mia Herndon and I have listened to the first episode TWICE it is so good. The interviews are about emergent strategy, which is the practice of introducing yourself and others to social change through relational organizing, collective leadership, and everyday interactions. I *cannot* recommend it enough. I will say your listening experience will be enriched if you have a cursory understanding of what emergent strategy is, which is why I recommend the book of the same name.
8. Another podcast debuted yesterday, the Your Magic podcast hosted and conceived by one of my favorite writers Michelle Tea. In it, Michelle bestows an extremely funny queer feminist lens on modern day witchcraft, and interviews people about their intuition and relationship to “magic,” however you define it.
9. Nomadland!!! My favorite movie I’ve watched this year so far. The story follows a widow who abandons her life to live on the road in an RV. Completely form-breaking, resonant, cathartic. It’s a not-too ham-fisted critique on capitalism with some beautiful meditations on the nature of grief. I’m somehow not even mad that there are virtually no people of color in it!!!
this week’s action
If you’re in Texas, we want to show up for you. To Texans that are already safe from the storm, I recommend signing up for Crowdsource Rescue to help elders facing dangerous temperatures in the storm. To those not in Texas, my action of choice is supporting survivors of domestic violence in the storm — this campaign specifically gets cash straight to survivors hands, no overhead.
Just wanted to say that I would LOOOOVE a letter on productivity and all of your google suite tips - this gmail snooze trick has me hooked!!
As for the question you began your post with, I find a tequila-viagra cocktail to be a tremendous lift.